How I allowed myself to appear closed off at an event.

December 18, 2017

 

I recently did massage at a metaphysical expo and I tried to appear more open and welcoming to those there. By not crossing my arms and I also sent love and healing energy to all those at the event. But somehow, I still found myself putting up barriers to keep people at a distance and keep myself safe. Not a lot of people showed up but thankfully it turned out to be my most successful event regarding my finances. But even with all of that I felt it could have been better if only I had been more open and trusting of the people who showed up to the event. So, I would like to take some time and explore the ways I had allowed myself to be closed off that day.

 

I’m a very spiritual person and I have a deep love for crystals. I have them everywhere in my house, in my purse, in my bra and pockets, and I also tend to sleep with them. So, this day was no different, and I armored myself with several stones to help with anxiety, confidence, communication, prosperity, and abundance. I was certain these would help me through out the day. And in some ways, they did help but in other ways they did not. I know that healing crystals do work, and I can feel the energy coming up off of them but maybe I’m relying too much on them. Like perhaps I’m expecting them to make me into a different person. Like more of an extrovert than an introvert which is a crazy notion I know. But, I honestly believe it to be true. I on some level feel more secure and safe when I have my crystals on me. Hence keeping me safe and protected throughout the day.

 

Also, I observed that every event I do I somehow end up at the back of the room. And this is by no one’s fault but my own. Its more of not wanting to be in any one’s way as much of distancing myself from those in the room. One of my greatest anxieties is being a bother to those around me. I felt for most if not all my life that I might be an inconvenience to have around and this has caused me to go within myself and hide so that I’m not in anybody’s way. So, it seems kind of ironic that I’m in a profession that I have to be seen and interact with other people. My only thoughts are how the hell do I do that? What gives me the right proclaim to be an expert at something that I’m sure other people can do better and have more knowledge of this profession.

 

With those questions it leads me to my next barrier putting up physical barriers to keep people at a safe distance. I always have a display table letting people know what massage is and the name of my company. I have everything on my table for essential oils, business cards, to pens, posters for drawing in people from a distance, research papers on massage, and flyers with my prices on it. Everything needed so I don’t have to engage all that much with the potential client. Plus, I don’t want to come off as pushy and I want the decision to be their own. I know right how are they supposed to get to know me and what it is I do if I don’t engage them more. But I have many insecurities such as low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and low self-worth. Yes, I may have lots of knowledge and I can role play conversations in my head but who am I that anybody would listen to me. What makes my words have anymore value than the next person? What about me sets me apart from everyone else? These are questions I constantly ask myself. 

 

In the end I could go on and on about all the barriers and walls I put up that day. And somehow, I believed I was being more open and that more people would want massage because of it. But I have learned that I still have more healing to do before these barriers will come down. Well, I just wanted to give you all a glimpse into the insecurities if a very introverted massage therapist/ healer. And with all of those I somehow manage to be able to help heal those around me. It’s a daily struggle for me but I know I was meant for so much more and I won’t stop till I have achieved it.